When you want something, how do you ask for it?

When you want something from your partner or those you love does the way you ask bring them closer or do they keep their distance? Often in relationships we fight about things that seem trivial and we can’t understand why these seemingly trivial issues keep repeating and are never resolved. But perhaps ask yourself what am I really asking for or needing right now?  Is this fight about who’s doing the washing up yet again really about the washing up, or is it because you feel generally undervalued and unsupported in the relationship? Or when your partner is angry and criticises you for never being home is it because he wants to restrict your freedom or is it because he misses you and wants to feel close? Often our message gets lost because of the way we are asking. John Gottman says the first 3 seconds of an interaction determines the outcome. If we start our interactions with criticism or anger than we are sure to get a negative response back and the closeness and warmth we truly desire may be the last response we get. 

We learn how to get our needs met when we are children, starting when we are babies where the act of crying is crucial to our survival. Then, as infants we might have thrown a tantrum or perhaps hid under the kitchen table for hours until we were found. Either way, we may have used techniques of high emotion or withdrawal to get a response from our loved ones. In adult relationships these techniques are most likely to do us a disservice, and over time can create loneliness and feelings of despair. We need to give our true desires a voice that can be heard and met by our partners.  So if you feel caught in a cycle where you are continually left with your needs not being met by your partner or loved one, reflect on how you are asking, then ask yourself what outcome do I truly desire, closeness or distance?