The Art Of Listening
The Art of truly listening
Is listening really an art? I believe it is. It’s not as easy as it sounds but the effect of being listened to and of feeling understood is powerful and for some life changing.
As a therapist my job is to listen and be present with my clients. There are times when this can be difficult, such as when Im tired at the end of a long week or perhaps I have had a stressful morning or conversation on my way to work. Yet I know that I’m not helping my client if I am elsewhere in my mind so I engage in subtle practices to bring me back to the present moment and stay with what the client is saying or I do a short meditation to reset my mind and body before the client arrives.
I am ecstatic to have begun a 2 year course in Buddhist Psychotherapy which will further enrich my practice with clients and of course my own self growth. The Buddhist Psychotherapists talk about mindfulness with clients and the power of being truly present to every word and emotion that the client is expressing without any judgement or opinion. A good therapist already knows not to judge or give opinions but of course we are human and it is natural to sometimes be formulating an idea or to have thoughts whilst listening to our clients. And for safety reasons or legal reasons we have to intervene on certain occasions.
However, to focus on not having a single thought or internal reaction to what Is being presented is a practice, and the difference in the client’s experience of the session can be felt. They may not have had this before, someone being completely present and open to hearing whatever it is they want to say without interruption. What a luxury!
It is rare to be truly listened to in our daily lives. And some people unfortunately have never experienced it because they had parents who didn’t know how to listen to them and be with their emotions as children. So how do you know what to seek in your relationships if you have never experienced it yourself?
When I work with couples often my role is to teach them to listen to each other. Some are surprised that they need special instructions on how to listen as they assume it’s easy and they do it all the time. But how often do you listen to someone and empty out all thoughts or judgment in your mind and refrain from preparing your response ahead before the other has finished? Rarely!
Our brains know when the person in front of us is somewhere else in their mind. Some people may be used to this experience and will continue on regardless and others will have a reaction; “you’re not listening to me!”, “yes I am!”.....but you’re not. You can’t possibly be listening with full presence if your thoughts are somewhere else.
In our intimate relationships we sometimes have to hear difficult feedback about ourselves which can be emotionally triggering and we want to defend our vulnerability by using all sorts of techniques such as denial, blame, distraction or just simply walking away. This can leave the other feeling shut out, abandoned and distressed.
When I help couples to listen and they really get it, they connect and can feel closer than they have been for a very long time. It’s beautiful to witness and one of the many privileges of my role.
When I have an individual client who just needs to talk and be truly listened to, I hold that space for them and be present. The client then has the time and space to process their own thoughts and emotions and come up with their own answers. They don’t need my input! They get to wherever they need to go by themselves and with me by their side.
So try it! Try staying present to what is being said. Feel your feet on the floor and your body in the chair and hold back your words and thoughts and listen. If you can practice this daily you may start to get the same in return and new experiences will take shape in all your relationships.