Foreplay begins outside the "bedroom".

Therapist, writer and speaker Esther Perel says that “Foreplay is not five minutes before the real thing. Foreplay starts at the end of the previous orgasm”. What I interpret from that is that is it’s in the way that partners treat each other outside of the bedroom that determines the willingness and quality of what happens in the bedroom. The crucial elements for a foundation of good sex is that it is consensual, pleasurable and safe..that’s when you get there, but what about all the time in between? Do you know how your partner likes to be seduced? Some might say they feel most desiring of their partner when they help them tidy up the house. Other’s might say it’s when I see my partner interacting with others socially that I feel most turned on by them. Or perhaps it’s when one partner takes the time to put all distractions aside and truly engage and listen.

It’s to recognise what works for the other and to do it! When you consider the opposite such as one partner never feels supported or valued in the daily chores or is never present or giving of time that is free of distraction, or worse, unkind words and actions are used against one another, where is the feeling of desire to share oneself and lose oneself in the pleasure of intimate sex going to come from?

Pressure is the other known killer of desire. It is a common occurrence where one partner has a higher sex drive than the other, after all we are all different and of course we bring difference into the relationship. But when the higher drive of one creates a demand on the other, desire leaves the building and care-taking arrives in it’s place. We need to be accountable for our own frustrations and be careful not to place the responsibility on our partner. Sexual intimacy needs to feel that it is as much about one than it is about the other. It is not going to be truly pleasurable or initiated if it feels like a task and a demand.

This is a complicated topic that can cause a lot of distress in relationships if not handled with care. If you feel your partner never initiates or is seemingly bored or distracted during sex, check out how you are seducing them and what is behind your motivations. Could you learn more about what your partner needs more or less of outside of the bedroom? Are you even aware that all of the care and attention given to each other on a daily basis contributes to the quality and frequency of your sexual relationship? So it’s not just about what happens when the moment arrives. It’s the space in between. For more reading you can look up authors such as Esther Perel, Sue Johnson, John Gottman and Dr Rosie King to name just a few.