Wait For The Storm To Pass

Recently we have had some pretty fierce storms in Sydney where it has been unsafe to go outside.   The rain lashed at vertical angles and the wind whipped up the trees and other objects.  When a storm like this happens pretty much everything stops until it passes.  Because we know it will pass…and it does.  

This makes me think about couples who argue and fight with each other when they are at their most upset making it almost impossible to get their message across.  When we are flooded with negative emotion we can go into hyperarousal or hypoarousal, which means we have lost our tolerance for the emotion and are coming from a place of dysregulation.  

This is where it can get messy and out of control.  When someone is hyperarousal or in “fight” mode they lose all logic and say things that are hurtful and unkind. They can be shaking and hot and feel like they want to escape or “flee”.  

When someone is in hypoarousal they are managing their overwhelm by shutting down and detaching or becoming numb and paralysed or in “freeze” mode.  

This can be confusing for the partner who is in fight mode as they make sense of their partner’s lack of response as a lack of interest.  However they are just as overwhelmed with emotion as the other but react in the opposite way.  

Effectively, they are in the storm!  Instead of trying to communicate from this place, they need to cool down.  Just like when there is a storm we might close the windows and cancel any plans to go outside, we need to wait for our emotions to calm before we act.   

The intensity of the emotion will pass.  Neuroscientist Jill Bolte-Taylor says that an emotion takes 90 seconds to pass.  The hardest part is catching out our overwhelm and taking a time out to allow ourselves to calm and come back to our window of tolerance.  

However, once a couple learns this valuable technique called the Time-Out Rule they can return to their window of tolerance and be better placed to discuss what is important to them.  I spend a lot of time helping couples to master the time out rule and teaching them ways to ground themselves before proceeding to talk. 

Then there are the ways they talk to be heard and understood without criticism or blame.  That is the next step once the space is cleared for effective and honest communication that is connecting not distancing.