Pleasing Others at the Expense of Yourself

In my work as a relationship therapist I am often helping people understand the ways in which they relate to others and what style of communication they are most likely to use. To keep it simple I look for 3 styles : passive, assertive or aggressive.  When specifically addressing the ways people communicate when angry I also like to add passive aggressive.   However, lately I have noticed a wave of clients who adopt the passive style of relating. These people can often be referred to as peace keepers or people pleasers.  They seek to keep others happy at the expense of their own needs.  

It’s important to point out that sometimes it is necessary to use the passive approach to keep the peace.  Particularly if it’s to keep oneself or others safe from harm.  However, if it’s the dominate way of relating in family, friendships, work and intimate relationships its poses as a problem for all.  

There are a number of reasons as to why this style of relating is problematic.  Firstly, it’s not being authentic with others. How would you feel if you discovered that the only reason someone is friends with you or staying in an intimate relationship with you is because they don’t want to upset you?  As the old saying goes “the truth hurts”.  Give me the truth any day.  

Passive people pleasers avoid causing emotional discomfort in others at the expense of themselves and can end up in relationships and life situations that cause them a lot of distress and unhappiness.  The cost can be low self respect, disempowerment, lack of agency, depression and isolation which are greater than the benefits of keeping the peace.  Essentially you are handing the power to the other and keeping yourself small.

Assertiveness puts oneself first but with the option for compromise and shared power.  The cost is that you may cause discomfort in the other and consequences may arise.  The benefit is you can feel confident, clear and in control of yourself and your decisions.  Others will sense that you mean what you say and authentic trusting relationships can be formed.  

Being a peace keeper is often a learned response from childhood.   Perhaps it wasn’t safe to be open and emotionally vulnerable in the family or the care givers were not available enough to attend to your needs so you had to keep your needs and concerns to yourself.  Or the behaviour of a family member took up all the space and you were forced to stay small and be “the good one”. 

Whatever the source, the great thing about adulthood is that you now have choice.  You can choose how you want to be in relationship with others and make changes to break old habits.  There is freedom to be found in assertiveness and kindness for oneself and others.